The Mockingbird: Runner Chaser

So fun fact about Mockingbirds: they chase each other during the mating period.

I have a cherry tree in my front yard and through my bedroom window I can see into the top of the tree. I would often see these gray long tailed birds--some with a bright white stripe on the tail feathers--flitting and fluttering through the leaves. I would be like, "now what they doing?" --because it looks so erratic and chaotic but you can obviously tell that they're playing and chasing each other. I learned through my Merlin BirdID app awhile back that these birds are Northern Mockingbirds. So I probably googled something like 'Mockingbirds chasing each other'--idk I googled something and I learned that this playful chasing is part of their mating pattern. Of course it made me think about people and relationships because that's what I do. So, I just found it interesting how we play these little games when it comes to relationships.

Think about it. You meet someone new. There's an immediate spark there, it feels easy and flirty and fun and it just feels right but it's too soon to say 'I love you' because then that would seem crazy. (And is, but I recently learned that this is a dopamine boost related to ADHD so be easy). It's this new shiny love creature that you just can't get enough of. But you've been taught that you can't trust people and you have to get to know them before you commit to them or say things like 'I love you' or have sex with them or ask them to be your girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever. You gotta wait 90 days to do this or wait 'til date 3 to do xyz. And there are also gender related norms to be considered because "the girl isn't supposed to ask; she's not supposed to bring it up; he has to ask you." And the guy is supposed to seem cool and not too pressed and "don't do too much because she's going to take advantage of you." So it has turned into this game of indirect communication trying to get the other person to understand that you like them. But that's a really twisted way to handle how you feel about someone. To me, what is actually being communicated is that this person is not worth the effort right now but they might be later so let me just give them a little bit of me at a time so they won't leave. Then you do leave and they run behind you; they pull away and you chase and you just end up in this endless cycle of confusion when you could just be direct in your communication. I would rather be chasing each other around in a cherry tree like the Mockingbirds because that other shit is not fun. At least the Mockingbirds look like they're enjoying their time together.

So, how can we be more like the Mockingbirds?

Well for the Mockingbirds, it's in their nature. They know this is a thing that they have to do if they want to find a mate and have offspring. They know that this is part of the mating cycle. So they choose.

Let's take a deeper look into the mating patterns of the Northern Mockingbird according to the National Park Service, paraphrased by me:

Male Mockingbirds will set up shop somewhere to establish their territory. In this case, he's in my cherry tree. He sings (pretty loudly) to tell niggas that this is his territory and to let the ladies know that he's right here waiting for the right one to come along. So he's defending his territory against males and calling in female Mockingbirds to mate with. As they come in, he's flitting around and flapping his wings to show off his white stripes on his tailfeathers trying to impress the ladies

. This is when they start chasing each other. Being playful and trying to impress each other. Then--and this is key--he chooses a mate. They build a nest together, he defends it, they have babies, and they feed and protect them together. Mockingbirds do this 2-3 times per year so, they're not wasting a whole lot of time.

I think some of the current mental structures around dating in 2024 discourage us from choosing. People often want to get what they can get out of people without ever choosing them for as long as the other person allows them to. Oftentimes with the hope of being chosen later on. And that's fucked up. What's so wrong with committing to someone and then when it comes up, deciding to stay or choosing to leave? Why as a society have we become so resistant to commitment?

The thing about it now, is that even if you find yourself in a position where you have multiple options and want to have a loving relationship with more than one person, there is community for you and people are more understanding of this. So, if you just communicate what it is that you're into, you very well may be able to sustain having multiple options of love with several people. But you have to communicate that or whatever it is that you're into or experiencing in this reality because that other person also deserves a choice in participating.

Okay, I think this is one of the most important keys here: communicating what reality it is that you're experiencing with the person you are inviting into your space. This is part of showing up as your authentic self.

Everyone experiences the world differently. When you are engaging with another person, you are bringing them into your world and into your reality. They can't see your reality without you describing it to them and sharing your experiences with them. This helps the other person to see the world through your eyes. So it's important to share with them exactly what you see in order for them to understand you. I think sometimes we are afraid of sharing the dark parts of our personal world with others because we think we're going to scare them away or hurt them. The reality is that everyone has dark parts of their world. Unfortunately, everyone has to experience darkness in order to understand what is good in the world.

Let's not be so afraid of facing our darkness. I try to openly share the scars on my heart with others because what is there to hide? It's just part of my reality, part of my story, and part of the reason why it's hard for me to trust people. That's completely normal. Especially when you've experienced trauma and have been burdened with generations of other people's trauma that literally lives in your DNA.

We can all acknowledge that we have trouble trusting people but that is why it's important to continuously show up as your true and authentic self so that everyone knows who they're dealing with and can choose to participate if they want.

When everyone is willingly participating, then the chasing game could be fun.

So, I think the key is choosing, being your authentic self, and then having fun with it.

Dating should be fun. Y'all have sucked the fun out of dating by adding all these roles and limitations and societal pressures to the game. You should be able to express how you feel about someone without being afraid of rejection. If you don't like me, why are you here?? Choose me. At least for now. Especially if I'm choosing you. If you just want to have sex with me but don't necessarily want to be in a relationship, say that and let me decide if I still want to participate. It just doesn't have to be this hard. If you got a lot of shit going on right now and you recognize that I also got a lot of shit going on right now but you like me and see potential in our connection but it just doesn't seem like the right time, then say that! If you fucked up and got a baby on the way by somebody that you don't like but you like me and things are complicated but you want to pursue me because we have a connection, say that! Just say whatever your reality is and let the other person decide if they want to participate or not. But you have to communicate and you have to make a choice! You can't just keep dicking people around and procrastinating about sharing your true self and your true feelings until that person gets tired of the bullshit. Just say what's up. Y'all are stressing me out.

In conclusion, when you are engaging with someone else, it's important to show up as yourself. This includes the deepest darkest parts of your identity, inner thoughts about yourself and the world, AND the prettiest and most amazing qualities of yourself. The person for you will not be deterred by your darkness but you have to give them the opportunity to choose if they want to participate. This cannot be one-sided. Both parties need to know who and what they're dealing with so they can make the best choice for themselves. I think concealing your true selves is what can cause the runner-chaser dynamic sometimes. Because it really just doesn't have to be that deep. Once these things have been cleared up, then you can have fun with it. You know who and what you're dealing with so the trust is easier. After that, you can play a flirty little game of tag with your partner and you can focus on compatibility. I guess I don't believe in prolonging the process. Let's get through some of the hard stuff now so we can decide if we want to choose each other and get to the fun stuff. Idk the Mockingbirds seem to be having a lot more fun in their dating game. I'm tryna be like them fr lol.